"Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up."

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Umri katika Kuoana

Umri mzuri kuolewa kwa mwanamke ni miaka 25 - 35 je, ni kweli hayo?
Nimepata swali kutoka kwa mmoja ya wasomaji wangu akitaka kujua umri una nafasi gani katika kuoana na je, ni umri upi unafaa kwa mwanamke na mwanaume kutofautiana wakati wa kuoana?

Ni kawaida kuona akina dada wengi wakiolewa na wanaume wenye umri mkubwa kuliko wao na pia kwa upane mwingine, tumekuwa tukishuhudia vijana wa kiume wakioa wanawake wenye umri mkubwa kuliko wao hadi kuwa gumzo kwa jamii ambazo hazijazoea kuona hayo.
Kwani masuala ya kuoana mara nyingi yamejikita ktk mila na desturi ambazo sasa zinapata challenge kubwa mno.

Katika hali ya ukweli, Umri ni namba tu na hauna nafasi katika kukusaidia kuwa na ndoa imara.
Wapo wanandoa wenye umri sawa na ndoa badi zimekalia mabechi ya ICU ya ndoa, pia kuna wengine umri upo sawa na wanaaendelea kujienjoy utadhani wapo paradiso.

Ndoa inategemea kukomaa kwa akili kwa wahusika na upendo wa kweli uliopo kati yao, awe amekuzidi au umemzidi au mpo sawa misingi ya ndoa hajajijenga katika tofauti ya umri bali true love and satisfaction emotionally.

Wanasema love is blind ni kweli mapenzi hayaangalii umri bali mioyo miwili iliyopendana na kuwa mmoja.
Hata hivyo wataalamu wanapendekeza kwamba umri mzuri kuoana unapatikana kwa formula ifuatayo:

Umri wa kuoana = ½ ya Umri wako + 7 (Minimum)
Umri wa kuoana = 2 x Umri wako - 7 (Maximum)
Pia jinsi mtu anavyozidi kuongezeka umri zaidi ya miaka 50 kama unaoana naye na wewe upo chini ya miaka 25 fahamu kabisa kwamba suala la sex na kuzaa watoto uwe makini na umejiweka sawa na mmeongea mkamalizana kabla ya kuingia kwenye ndoa na mtu mwenye umri huo.

“Age doesn’t matter, what matters is the real love till death do us apart”

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

love?love ? hata pasipo na love tuweke love?. Kwa walio oa umejibu vyema lakini kwa wasio oa hujweka sawa ukweli hasa katika hasara zionazo weza jitokeza kwa mtu kutojaji vizuri mambo ya age?. Kwani wao wanahitaji kujua vizuri.
miminaona age sometimes matters hasa kwa wale ambao hawajaoa lakini kwa walio oa hili swala haliwahusu tunatakiwa kupendana tuu?. Kuna mwanahistoria mmoja alisema kadri mume anavyo mzidi mke ^kati yamiaka 5 hadi 15 ndivyo ndoa inavyo zidi kuwa imara na asilimia kubwa ya watu ambao walioana hasa wakiwa college kwa maana ya umri mmoja ndoa hizo zimekuwazikiishia kwenye taraka.Na wazazi wengi huwa na uhakika na binti yao pale anapoolewa na mtu ambaye umri umemzidi binti yao kuliko pale wanapo ona binti yao anaolewa na mtu wa rika moja.Wasichana siku zote tunajisikia vizuri hasa tunapo kuwa na mtu ambaye wametuzidi kidogo umri,japo huu ni matazamo usio wa kibilblia kwani dini ndio imekuwa kigezo cha watu kutoachana.
asante.

Lazarus Mbilinyi said...

Kwa mtazamo wako upo sahihi na asante kwa mchango wako,
Ni kweli akina dada hujisikia vizuri kuwa na mume ambaye ana umri uliomzidi kidogo.

Ila dunia inabadilika kila mtu anatafanya anavyotaka yeye na anavyopenda ili mradi tu hatendi dhambi na havunji sheria.

Fikirikwanza said...

Hallo salut,
When it comes to love, age is nothing but a number. For instance, count on any of these celebrities, Tom cruise and Katie Holmes, Madonna and Guy Ritchie, Salman Rushdie and Padma Laksmi, Michael Doughlas and Catherine Zeta Zones, Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry.... the count is endless. Age difference between the couple is not a big deal for many. Read to answer the questions like Is it safe to have vast age differences in marriage? Will the marriage survive? Will there be fire in love?

It is love and not age that works in a marriage. Thousands of couple with no age differences have quit marriage. Here are two main aspects that will help us to get the clear picture

Sex drive
The first few days of marriage will be as decorative as a beautiful paradise as the couple have joined together with great understanding and attraction. However as the days roll to months and months to years, the older one will feel insecure. The greatest fear in this marriage is infidelity. At some point, there is likely to have a disparity in the sex drives of the couple involved. This disparity could be a contributing factor to nfidelity if it drives one of the couple to seek sexual fulfillment outside. The intimacy may reduce to such an extent that one of the couple will not like to be seen with the other.

With the growing age, the younger one will notice the graying hair, the hanging skin the tarnished teeth with more specification than ever before. If the marriage is arranged by the will of parents and not the couple then the marriage may last long due to fear of norms in the family but it will never have the passion called love.

Understanding
Age gap is sure to enforce differences in understanding and opinions, which may lead them to different paths altogether. Lifestyle differences, differences in moral values, even differences in seemingly minor things such as tastes in music, reading, or entertainment may eventually cause the couple to be unable to relate to each other. For the older, life may seem an end and accomplished journey where the younger may still want to explore all that he/she can. The older person may be looking merely for a companion rather than a partner and younger may be looking for a whole new life again.

If one of the couple begins to seek out members of his or her peer group because they have more things in common with each other, it can lead to serious problems, especially if that person is from the opposite sex.

To end with, marriage is a personal affair, if you can make it a blissful journey nothing can be a barrier. For instance my uncle Solomon married a woman older than him. She passed away a year ago due to cancer. I have seen their relationship as a carved niche that celebrates marriage to the brim. He was there beside her, holding her firmly to never let go, even when she was draped in just patch of skin and pack of bones. She looked like a half eaten body, but he took pleasure in serving her till her last breath. This is love. If you own this in your marriage go for it. Nothing can stop you. The society may raise its brow for few days and say this marriage will not be a bed of roses. It may be true but, if both could take care of the thorns with love and compassion there is none to beat the race of love that you share.
By: Sharon Supriya

Anonymous said...

Question

I am an 18 year old female considering marriage to a 39 year old man. He is insightful, sensitive, and diverse in interest. I love him, have learned a lot and have grown with him. We face much criticism from those who believe we cannot possibly have a healthy relationship because of our age difference. We disagree and feel that maturity and compatibility count much more. Social criticism has caused some strain on our relationship and with others. What is your advice?

Answer
You are considering marriage to a man who is more than twice your age. As mature an 18-year-old as you may be, you are still a teenager with limited life experience. On the other hand, he is 39 and unless he is immature with limited life experiences, the differences between you are enormous. Dating an older man can be fun and stimulating, but making it an exclusive relationship deprives you of many of the life experiences that are fundamental to your growth.

Dating and meeting a variety of men, having fun with your peer group, and discussing life with them are all part of the maturation process. Socializing with your peer group, double dating with them, and discussing relationship issues facilitates maturation.

Unfortunately, when others criticize a relationship, there is a tendency to cut off contact with your peers in order to avoid the criticism. People need relationships with peers and couples need relationships with other couples. Social isolation can force a dependency on your lover that can be problematic as time goes on, causing resentment and dissatisfaction.

You will change a great deal in the years to come. Some relationships with this degree of age difference do work out. Usually, however, the difference comes much later when both people have had significant life experiences. The difference in maturity between a 30-year-old and a 50-year-old is not as great as the difference between an 18-year-old and a 39-year-old.

I suggest that you reconsider your marriage plans and date others as well as well your 39 year old man. Maintain contact with your peers, enjoy the things that young adults enjoy. Don't miss out of these years. You can never recoup them. In years to come you may resent having foreshortened your young adulthood. See how you feel in a few years. While he may be in a hurry, you have lots of time to consider making a permanent commitment.

3/5/98


Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing Bookstore Catalog.

Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.