"Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up."

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Ukaribu kimapenzi

Haina haja kuogopa kuelezea hisia zako kwa yule unampendaUtafiti wa hivi karibuni Umetoa ushahidi ambao unafurahisha na kuleta matumaini mapya kuhusu ndoa.
Kutokana na huu utafiti ni dhahiri kwamba wanandoa pamoja na washauri wa mambo ya ndoa watakuwa na mtazamo mpya kuhusu ndoa na zaidi kuzifanya ziwe za kudumu na kuwa na afya.

Utafiti huu wa miaka 13 ambao ulianza mwaka 1981 ambapo kiongozi wa huo utafiti Ted Huston alianza kufuatilia maisha ya wanandoa wapya 168.
Alipomaliza utafiti wake mwaka 1994 ni ndoa 56 kati ya 168 zilikuwa tayari zimeshavunjika (divorce).

Huston alijifunza mambo makubwa matatu
Ukaribu wa wapenzi, faragha kwa wapenzi (intimacy)
- Kinachosababisha migogoro (conflicts)
- Jinsi ya kuwezesha ndoa kudumu na kuwa na furaha.

Mara nyingi washauri wengi wa mambo ya ndoa wanaamini kwamba migogoro, kuzozana, kuzipiga, kutofautiana, kutoana ngeu, kutoheshimiana tofauti zilizopo kati ya mke na mume na kuvurugana katika ndoa ndiyo sababu za wanandoa kutalikiana.

Hata hivyo utafiti wa Huston Umetoa mtazamo mpya kwamba kukosekana kwa faragha ya wanandoa (intimacy) na upendo ndiyo sababu kubwa na ya msingi wa mahusiano mengi kujizungusha mshale wa mwanaume wa kigogo akiwa nyikani kuelekea kwenye talaka.
Kuzipiga na migogoro katika ndoa ni matokeo (results) si kitu kinachosababisha (cause) ya kukosekana kwa intimacy.

Hii ina maana kwamba ni jambo la maana sana kwa wanandoa na washauri kutumia muda wao kuhakikisha wanandoa wanatunza hisia chanya (positive feelings) kati yao na siyo kuhangaika waache kugombana.

Zifuatazo ni njia mojawapo ambazo zinaweza kukuhakikishia unatunza feelings zako na ukaribu na mpenzi wako.
Elezea au onesha mapenzi yako (affections) mara kwa mara kwa mume au mke wako kama vile kukumbatiana, kubusiana, kushikana (cuddling), zawadi ndogo ndogo, na kitu chochote ambacho unajisikia kufanya kwa ajili ya mpenzi wako.
Wasiliana vizuri, shirikisha feelings zako, ongea mambo yanayohusu mahusiano yenu au ndoa yenu, mambo mazuri na ndoto mbalimbali kuhusu ndoa yenu au mahusiano yenu na uwe mkweli (siyo kufungana kamba, maana wanaume wengine kwa kupiga fix hawajambo, na kuna wanawake pia bila kufungwa kamba hujamfurahisha)

Hakikisha mke/mume anakuwa update na kile kinaendelea kila eneo la maisha yako au yenu, hata kama ni vitu vidogo ambavyo unaona vidogo sana.
Kuwa supportive na mwenye kutia moyo (encouraging) ili mwenzi wako ajisikie safe kujishirikisha kutoa mawazo, hisia na emotions kwako.

Pia tafuta project ambayo wote itawapa wakati mzuri kuifanya pamoja.
Panga maisha ya baadae pamoja huku ukiweka msisitizo kwenye malengo ambayo mnaweza kufanya pamoja kwa msisimko.

NB:
To protect and preserve your marriage, focus on maintaining intimacy and closeness with your partner.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

What a happy and holy fashion it is that those who love one another should rest on the same pillow. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne

Anonymous said...

Mbilinyi!! You have inspired me by the way you have commited you resources too heal marriages!!! I first visited your site yesterday evening and I wish all married couples should have passed here. I have an idea that, why don't you in each year compose a book of all your daily inspirations about marriage. By this way, you will be able to reach many people via bookshops and you can as well post these books in your site.

I believe as time goes on if at all you have not establish marriage healing cnter, then is is high time you establish one wherever you are. Keep it up.

Lazarus Mbilinyi said...

I do thank you indeed for your comments, truly you have inspired me so much.
I was thinking writing a book about love, relationships and marriages, I understand there are people who have no access to internet and through books they can use the resources.
I believe it is a big mission but nothing is impossible so let’s pray together so that we can accomplish this goal.

I will keep it up and when you have something to share with other people let me know

Always love